Dear Me, Scott King

I grew up in a town called Goole – it’s a brilliant shit hole of a place – rough, nasty, poor… all the clichés of The North. But that’s not its defining characteristic – it’s really defined by the fantastic lunatics that live there. They make Goole what it is, they make it great. I left there when I was 19, but a part of me will be forever Goole (though I’d have preferred a part of me to be forever Manhattan or Biarritz).

Here are two examples that spring to mind:

FIRST EXAMPLE: E. FIRTH, WESTER RD, GOOLE

There’s an age eighty-something gentleman called Ernie Firth, who for the last fifty years has been writing a letter every week to the local paper (The Goole Times). His ability to mix world politics with the unfolding drama outside his living room window is quite remarkable – below are three examples of Mr Firth’s letters:

A. DISTURBING HEADLINES

Published on 28th December 2007

Sir - A rather disturbing headline: one fire crew for Goole! My late wife was rescued twice by fire crews, so I know how essential they are to the people of Goole. I wonder who thinks of these decisions. Who knows, probably fewer police next.

It seems millions of pounds are being spent on the inquest on the death of Princess Diana. Can’t they let her rest in peace?

E. Firth, Western Road, Goole

B. WELCOME BACK

Published on 8th January 2009

Sir – I’m glad to be back still, under difficulties, but I thought it was time to write a letter wishing you, your staff, readers and writers a happy and prosperous new year – hoping for better things to come.

Being out of touch for a bit, I was very surprised America had elected a black president.

E. Firth, Western Road, Goole

C. TIME TO BEAT THE TALIBAN

Published on 18th July 2009

I see two shops in Pasture Road seem to be re-opening.

Is that a good sign of the times?

But now to a more serious problem. More British soldiers have been killed by the Taliban in Afghanistan who now seem to be a big problem.

Where are the Taliban getting all their armaments from?

We beat the might of Germany twice, surely we can beat the Taliban.

E. Firth, Western Road, Goole

SECOND EXAMPLE: CUE GARY

In Goole there’s a well known lad called Cue Gary – it’s hard to describe Cue Gary without sounding insulting – so I won’t – I’ll just repeat a text message I received from my mate Simon the other day:

»AM STANDING OUTSIDE GOOLE TRAIN STATION – CUE GARY JUST WENT PAST ON A BICYCLE WITH NO CHAIN.«

P.S.: If you’re wondering why Cue Gary is called Cue Gary (and not just Gary) – it’s because for the last 25 years he’s carried a snooker cue around with him everyday. If I did a survey in Goole, I can can guarantee you that I would not be able to find anyone who as ever seen him without his snooker cue. On the other hand – neither I, nor anyone else I know has ever seen him playing snooker.